Ready, Set, NURSE!!!

No one reads this, and I haven't updated in awhile, but thats okay. I still like it! Maybe someday someone will read it. I just really can't decide how public I want to make it...the more public it is, the more trouble I could cause!!!!

So I finally get to put my hands on a patient next week. I haven't touched a patient since July! After four long weeks of orientation stuff, hospital and unit, I am READY. Not necessarily completely prepared, but I'm definitely ready to get the first week over with. I'm so used to being in the "student" role and being able to say "I'm just the student, I don't know, let me ask my nurse/teacher/etc" or preparing my meds with someone watching me and making sure I don't totally f up and now...I'M the nurse. I don't have "I'm just the student" to fall back on and I can't go ask my nurse and there won't be anyone watching out for me...I AM the nurse. It's a strange transition to have to make and I'm kind of nervous about it!

I wonder how fast I'll get over the learning curve and how quickly I'll be able to confidently care for my patients. I like to pretend that my ego doesn't need stroking...but in this case, when all of a sudden it's ME who is the nurse and it's ME that the residents are going to be talking to and it's ME who is charged with the responsibility of knowing which orders to question and which to carry out...please, please stroke my ego. Let me know I'm doing well. Let me know that I'm on the right path and while I don't want you to be mean to me...let me know where I need to focus my brain at on my next shift so I can do an even better job.

Part of the reason I took this particular job on this particular unit above the others offered to me is the manager. Before I interviewed the nurse recruiter told me over and over again how particular this manager was and how she would know within 5 minutes how I would do on the unit and was very opinionated and would tell me straight up that I wasn't right for the job if I wasn't and are you SURE that you want to interview with ICU??? It was a huge boost of confidence to be offered the job on the spot in the interview and afterwards, during my orientation, it also stroked my ego a bit to see how impressed people were that I had been hired directly out of school, with no ICU experience and without ever having worked at my hospital before. I think part of that is because my manager knows what she's looking for and has worked ICU long enough to know what kind of person can do the job and I was lucky that she sees that in me...That gives me at least a little confidence that I can do the job. Plus the fact that I don't think my manager will LET me fail...that helps a lot. I don't think she would put the time and money into training me if she thought I'd fall on my face.

However...my managers confidence in me and my OWN confidence are two totally different things. I do NOT like going into situations where I'm not sure I'll do well. I like to do things I excel at. Take pool for instance...I know that the basis of pool is basic geometry. I was good at geometry on paper. But I can't put the theory to practice on a pool table...so...I don't play pool. This is the same with jager bombs...I can't handle them, so I don't do them. 9 days out of 10, I was a fabulous student nurse. I was on top of my game and ready to go. But I"m not a student any more!!! So much more is expected of me and I do NOT want to flounder.

So, in my true fashion, I've bought books and pens. When I get nervous or upset...or bored...I buy things. For this...books and pens.

Eek! Lucky for me I have three more days to gather my confidence!!