heeeeeey chubby!

So I am wallowing in self pity today, which is not something I generally do. It puts me in a pissy mood and makes me feel like the whole world is full of shitty people and I don't like being pissy, nor do I particularly like the feeling that the world is made up of douchebags.

But...despite my efforts and minor shopping excursion I remain in self pity. And not even for a good reason!

I was supposed to have a date tonight. Friend of a friend, blah blah blah...actually had a job and social skills and did not appear to be a total douche bag. Talked to him over the weekend a little, he asked my out Monday, Tuesday we talked about what we were going to do, Wednesday I slept all day because of my work schedule and he works normal people hours and tonight we were supposed to go out. Well, it's 10:30 now and despite me calling him this afternoon (once! only once!) to confirm plans, I am NOT out on a date and he has NOT called.

So now...I am wallowing in self pity because I KNEW in the back of my head that he wouldn't call...but goodness I was so excited at the prospect of an actual date with an actual boy who wasn't a loser and I just told myself...of COURSE he'll call.

I don't know why I tell myself they'll call. They don't. They never call.

See...self pity. Wallowing. General lameness.

I hate it.

It pisses me off and it actually really hurts my feelings. A lot. I'm getting pretty sick of the disappointment.

When I talked to him Tuesday I said "Still Thursday night, right?" And he says "Yeah, why wouldn't we be good for Thursday?" and I said "Just making sure your schedule hasn't changed with all the Christmas rush business" and he said..."Nope, we're good for Thursday. I'll be there."

Ugh.

What annoys me the most is that if he called tomorrow and had a semi decent excuse I'd let it slide because it has been SO long since I've been on a date. Like, sad long.

And of course, with the pissy mood and the disppointment come those stupid inadequacy feelings. That mean ugly little voice in the back of your mind that says "Of course he didn't call you, you ugly fat cow...why would he call YOU when he could call any number of girls that aren't you. Cute boys with jobs and social skills don't call you. Just keep waiting around for the loser who will settle for you."

That voice pisses me off. 95% of the time, that voice is NOWHERE in my head. I've done a very good job of silencing that voice until, like always, it goes....heeeeeeeey chubby!

So...I am pissed off and wallowing in self pity until tomorrow morning when I will go shopping.